Oh, dear.
Th-this seems rather unwise, Mr. West.
Why don't we wait until-
Mr. Grigsby, we're wasting time.
A Welcoming delegation. Panhandle Strip style.
All right, hold it.
I said hold it!
I never thought I'd live to see the day
a federal man would dare to show his face
in the Panhandle Strip.
Move on, friend.
Oh, no.
Not until I ventilate your hide.
Get down off that horse.
Hey!
I told you to move, mister.
Hello, James.
Nothing special, just mind your manners
around a big man named "Cartwheel."
Thanks, Artie.
Hey, you with the fancy specs,
you trying to rattle me?
I-I'm sorry. I-I certainly didn't mean to.
Sorry ain't good enough for me, mister.
Sir, the man apologized.
Maybe Vance ain't in no apology-accepting mood.
Now if you gentlemen just take your hats off
and bow respectfully,
that just might soothe old Vance.
Some other time, fella.
Clint.
Welcome to Panhandle, Mr. West.
Mr. West!
You and your friend are here on official business.
Besides, you're a day late as it is.
Took a slow train.
We're waiting, Mr. West.
Some other time... fella.
Give me the gun.
There's a Gatling gun in my left boot.
Here we are, arm in arm.
I don't even know your name,
but I'll never forget the fragrance of your perfume.
Clint.
I never cared for the smell of acid.
You may remove your blindfolds, gentlemen.
Well, it's Mr. Silas Grigsby,
the celebrated curator of the United States Archives.
We're honored...
and delighted at your choice of expert, Mr. West.
Uh, where is the document?
If-if I may be permitted to touch the actual surface?
Well?
Oh, genuine.
It's quite genuine, Mr. West.
There's no question.
That is the constitution of the United States.
Why, thank you, Mr. Grigsby.
What is it you want for its return?
For myself, nothing, but for my country-
Your country?
Size is no yardstick of a country's greatness, Mr. West.
Panhandle Strip is more than a modest parcel of territory,
for whose sovereignty your country
and Mexico are contending.
It is a national entity
with a great sense of national purpose.
Exactly what are your terms?
Very well.
They are as follows:
one, your country will immediately
cease negotiations with Mexico.
Two, your country will immediately recognize
Panhandle Strip as a sovereign enclave,
situated between the borders of the two nations.
I can hardly wait for number three.
A gift of gold bullion in the amount of $1 million.
You, Mr. West,
will communicate our terms to President Grant.
You, Mr. Grigsby, will remain with us.
What?
B-but why? You have the constitution.
Yes, but you see,
Mr. West might dawdle in presenting my terms.
If he doesn't reappear with the money,
you will be punished appropriately.
Uh, p-please, m-my influence- I-I can do you much more...
good.
Uh, Mr. West, don't let them do this, please.
I'm sorry, sir, but under the circumstances,
we have no choice.
You're going to get your little tattoo job, West.
Free of charge, for nothing.
Without cost.
This must be my lucky day.
You're going to be walking proof that we mean business.
Hold it right there, partner.
What do you want?
I want a crack at that coyote there.
No.
He's mine.
I'll give you $20 for him... American.
What makes him worth money to you?
I spent five years rotting in a jailhouse
because of that...
All I want is five minutes with him.
Make it $50.
But don't kill him, you hear?
Not a chance.
All I wanna do is make sure I give old West here...
an old-fashioned Laredo rubdown.
All set, West?
Ready to bleed? Huh?
One...
two...
three!
Yahh, boy!
Yah!
Don't suppose you were able to find out
who's behind all this?
Course I was.
His name's Victor Freemantle.
A year ago, he fired three badly aimed shots
at the president of Argentina.
Six months ago,
he led an abortive revolution in Venezuela.
Future plans include annexation of Texas
and Baja California.
Sounds like you could write a book about him.
Well, he likes girls, and girls like to talk.
Yeah. From what I saw, he has good taste.
You're talking about Carlotta Waters.
Lovely, but lethal.
Artie, what do you know about this place?
Aesthetically, historically, or architecturally?
All of it, Artie.
Historically,
it was built by the conquistadors in 1557.
At one time, it held more gold
than the United States Treasury.
Aesthetically, terrible.
It's got more dungeons, passageways and vaults
than the Tower of London.
Architecturally,
it's as perfect a mixture of Herrera, Baroque,
and Mexican Colonial as you're likely to find anywhere.
Well...
I went in this door,
Mm-hmm.
and down this corridor for 22 steps.
Then a 90-degree turn, 26 more steps,
and then down these stairs to an elevator.
Elevator?
The only place they could possibly have built that
would have been the old mine shaft.
Yeah.
See?
Then what?
Well, they, uh...
unfortunately, they spun me around.
That was it.
I don't know where I went from there.
You mean you lost all sense of direction?
Mm-hmm. That makes it a little bit awkward,
don't you think?
We're just gonna have to go through
every single one of them.
And stay out.
Hey, Brad, you got competition.
Batten down the hatches, mate.
Looks like stormy weather ahead.
Come on, boys.
Very good evening to you, sir.
Traveling groggery.
Does that mean all the whiskey you can drink for 50 cents?
Oh, oh, yes, indeed, sir. Yes, the very finest.
Pima, you remember what we did
to that last whiskey salesman
who went into competition with us?
A-and that, sir, if you please,
is not merely your average,
run-of-the-mill redeye or rotgut, as it were,
but, uh, that, th-that is, uh...
that, th-that is, uh...
uh...
Th-that...
E-e-excuse me, sir,
but your torch is getting just a mite close
to the canvas of my wagon there.
Yep.
Well, I hope that you don't mind...
Uhh, now, as I was saying,
before the danger of combustion arose,
I represent a line of peerless-
No, indeed, let me say superior merchandise which...
All right, all right, all right!
Okay, all right!
We had us a good laugh.
Now you, turn your rig around and drive on out.
Oh, s-sir, please, you don't understand.
All this is merely to introduce
a new line of refreshment
which will have people from miles around
flocking to your emporium.
Well, I don't buy nothing without I taste it first.
I thought you'd never ask.
Well, that seems like a fair request to me, sir.
Now, sir, prepare yourself for a rare experience.
Sir!
All right, little friend,
you wanna explain what happened?
I-I-I'm terribly sorry, sir.
That bottle must have gone bad on me.
All right, I'll take another one of those bottles.
Oh, of course, of course.
I-I just don't understand that, sir.
Now, I-I'm sure that you'll find
that this bottle is infinitely superior
to the other one-
You taste it first.
But I-I have been trying to explain to you
Mr., uh, Mr. Big Brass Bar, that as a member
of the Wichita Temperance League,
I couldn't poss-
Drink it or get ventilated.
Y-yes, sir. Of course. Course.
I'll be happy to drink it.
There's - uh, i-it's marvelous merchandise.
As a matter of fact, I have great b-belief in...
Boys, shoot him!
Hold it, hold it, hold it! That's enough.
Artie, why stand on ceremony?
Just not used to coming through the front door,
that's all.
Move away from that window, please.
I was all wrong.
The boots, the riding crop...
you were made to wear silk.
And you were made for a form-fitting pine box.
You wouldn't be silly enough
to think I wouldn't shoot, I hope.
No, I would never jump to that conclusion.
Carlotta?
You wouldn't be silly enough
to think I wouldn't shoot, I hope.
You're dressing.
I'm dressing, Victor.
There's been some ridiculous disturbance in the square.
You'd better stay in your room.
All right, Victor.
Excellent performance. My compliments.
Maybe it wasn't a performance.
Maybe I am different when I wear silk.
That's too bad, because you're going to have to get used to
wearing prison denim for a long time to come.
You're not going to send me to prison, Mr. West...
not with all the help I can give you.
You'd sell out Victor?
A girl's got to look out for herself.
Besides, I've known all along
that when the government moved in, bye-bye Victor.
A couple of questions,
where are they holding Grigsby?
Victor hasn't told anyone.
But you could find out.
Make it worth my while, and I'll do better than that.
I'll deliver him to you.
at the foot of the elevator,
there are four passageways.
Which one do I take?
The one on the right.
You better do as your boyfriend says
and stay in your room.
Mr. West...
he's not my boyfriend.
Did you see that?
Like I told you, never trust a woman.
Well, the story of my life,
I touch them and they faint.
Artie, how long will that stuff hold her?
About an hour, give or take.
Poor Carlotta has a drinking problem.
Mr. Cartwheel? Did you find anything?
Nothing.
You're too jumpy, Mr. Cartwheel.
Like I told you,
this thing is going to come off real easy.
Come on.
Oh, that's cute.
Shaft turns, this must coil.
Yeah. Five'll get you ten
something goes ding-dong upstairs.
Yeah, that takes care of the other elevator.
That's not good, Jim.
Carlotta's going to be coming out of that
in a little while.
Here.
Carlotta?
Are you asleep?
After you.
Thank you, Artie.
Artie, Carlotta says to the right.
Then may I suggest left or center
or even straight up?
I don't think so.
She tried to shoot you.
How can you believe a word she said?
I don't, you wanna go left?
No, no, no. Let's go right. Right.
Let's go.
Should be getting close.
Yeah, if it's the right path.
Was it there?
It was there.
What is it?
Remember that whiskey drummer
that made a monkey out of Brad Logan?
Go on.
He's the same one who helped West escape.
Of course. Mr. West has a partner.
And I guess we know where we'll find them both.
That parchment's been cleverly treated.
But it's a forgery, all right.
We went to a lot of trouble for a fake constitution, huh?
My sympathies, Mr. West.
I rather imagine this is the many-faced Mr. Gordon.
Oh, spare me your compliments, please.
I'm sorry your heroics were in vain, gentlemen,
but you see, the purpose
of this rather elaborate little subterfuge
was not the concealment of a precious document,
but rather, the ensnarement
of those who would lay larcenous hands upon it.
A Freemantle's mousetrap.
And you, Mr. Gordon, are holding the cheese.
I know this must sound terribly naive,
but you do have the original, don't you?
Of course I do... as Mr. West will attest.
You know, Jim, it's probably in the most obvious place
we can imagine.
Why, Mr. Gordon, that's quite bright.
Quite bright.
It's where milady fair can stare at it for hours.
I'm impressed. How about you, Artie?
Very.
Nothing.
He said it was something
milady fair could look at for hours.
It's the real thing, all right.
Give me a hand with this coat, will you, Jim?
You going to slip into something more comfortable?
Yeah, my smoking jacket.
Artie, telegraph Washington
and tell them we've got the constitution.
Right. What about you?
I'm going back for Grigsby.
Won't be necessary, Jim.
Gentlemen,
I owe a great deal to this young lady.
If it hadn't been for her,
I'd still be in that, that slimy dungeon.
I told you I'd deliver him, didn't I?
You certainly did, Carlotta, yes.
As you remember, we were talking a deal.
Never mind that, young lady.
I'll guarantee you immunity from prosecution.
Now, gentlemen, what about the constitution?
Oh, you'll be most pleased to learn
that we have it right here, sir.
May I see it, please?
Of course.
The President will be most grateful when...
but, but this is the forgery.
That's curious.
That's the one you said was authentic.
We want the real one.
Immediately.
Jim, do you kind of have the feeling
that these two are old friends?
At the count of three, gentlemen.
Well, if you can shoot like you can kiss,
I'm in real trouble.
It's in a secret compartment.
No.
No, you don't. You get it, Silas.
Mr. West.
You'd better let me. It's a little tricky.
Yes. You see, Mr. Grigsby,
unless you turn that knob just so,
you're going to be dead before you hit the floor.
Really?
Uh-huh.
You're frightening me, gentlemen.
There.
Ah, that ought to do it.
Got it all set for you.
That's it.
What you got in the box, anyway?
A model of the Taj Mahal. Guard it with your life.
Can you manage?
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
Hello there, Arabella. Welcome home, sweet baby.
Well, a little message.
Ah, what good news
did Arabella bring us this time?
It's on the mantle. You tell me.
The congress just ceded the Panhandle Strip to Mexico.
Oh, poor Mexico.
Two companies of Mexican soldiers
on their way to Monterey right now.
Well, a soldier's life
was never an easy one, James.
Oh, Grigsby's the real loser.
How so?
Oh, curator of the National Archives for 20 years.
Twenty years of loyal service.
He just got tired of recording history
and decided to make a little of his own.
Artie, is the women's penitentiary in Texas
in Waco or in Houston?
Why?
Oh, because I promised to write Carlotta a letter.